Because, sometimes you just have to laugh.

Source: http://tv.gawker.com/5733723/watch-deion-sanders-strange-explosion-of-laughter

Pet Peeves Episodes 1 & 2 (retired)

Episode 1

#1 – Customers on Phones
Don’t ask me for help while you’re on the phone. You wanna buy something? Then tell the person on the other end that you have to stop being a douche for a few minutes so you can buy something nice for your mistress. The next time a customer comes up to me with a cell phone attached to their ear; I’m engraving their item with the following message:

“My item is mis-engraved because I was talking on the phone instead of paying attention to what I was ordering.”

#2 – Customers who think I have X-Ray Vision
I can’t see through the counters. If you’re standing at one of the corner towers and the words “Can I see this?” come out of your mouth while you pointing at the item; I’m gonna jump over the counter, drag you into the kiosk, and ask “Do you see the item you were looking for? Well guess what. Neither can I. Try Again.”

#3 – Customers who think its okay to stand inside the kiosk
it’s not okay. Why is this so complicated? If you want to put on an apron and do my job while I go get myself some lunch, then you can come inside the kiosk. Otherwise, stay the hell out; or I’m putting some kind of electro-shock system in there.

#4 – People who bump against the kiosk while walking by
First, there are fragile things on the counter that you risk knocking off when you do this. Second, there are glass doors and when your brick of a purse bumps into it, its sounds like the door is going to break. If you break one of those doors; I’m pulling of another door and smashing it over your head. If you break an item; I’m making you pay for it; and whatever remains of the item gets launched at your skull.

Depth perception people! Unless you’re wearing an eye patch; you’re perfectly capable of *not* running into the kiosk.

#5 – “Oh? Only an hour?”
No sweetie. You weren’t listening to me. I said the *minimum* wait time is an hour. That means *at least* an hour. I won’t normally make a big deal about this. On a normal day, it might take 15 minutes to engrave something. However, when we’re busy; it’s going to take an hour, maybe longer. That’s why we say “minimum.”

#6 – People who don’t listen when I tell them about the various fees
“$3 a word…wait. Why are you charging me $6?”
Yet again, not listening to me. I said $3 a word with a $6 minimum.

“Why is a date $6″
Because in reality a date is three words. You’re getting off easy. Shut the hell up.

“Why am I paying $10 for a carry-in engraving?”
Do you have a car? Familiarize yourself with the concept of insurance and then get back to me. You’re $10 goes towards replacing an item if we screw it up. And yes, I’m sorry, but it happens.

“Well do I get my $10 back if nothing goes wrong with my engraving?”
Do you get your insurance money back if you don’t crash?

#6 – People who play with our fragile displays or let their children play with our fragile displays.
Why would you do that? Put the snow globe down. It’s not your boyfriend; it doesn’t like it when you play rough. And smack your little hell spawn upside the head…AFTER you’ve extracted the fragile item from his snot and drool covered paws.

#7 – Customers who think I’m “new” to this job.
I’m the MANANGER! And that’s all I really have to say.

#8 – Any question on engraving that contains the phrase “Will They…”
They? They who? Who is they? Who do you think is engraving this? They? Do you honestly believe that there is some magical portal that I toss your item and workorder into, and some enslaved keebler elf on the other side engraves it, then throws it back? NO! I will make sure that your engraving is done just the way you want it, because I, ME, The person to whom you are speaking, is the one that will be engraving your order.

#9 – Customers who use the word “comparable”
The only time I hear this word is when customers are think using said word will get them somewhere. It’s always in this sentence too: “What do you have that’s comparable?” In other words, they are looking for a similar item but for the same price. Which is to say, if they are looking at a $25 clock that’s out of stock, they want you to give them the $75 clock for $25. I’m sorry, but “out of stock” is NOT a valid customer complaint. No where does it say “guaranteed in stock”, and I’m not gonna take that kinda loss just because you’re too retarded to call in and see what we have.

#10 – “Why is [Insert Merchant Name Here] closed? Where did they go? When are they coming back?
Am I wearing a Foot Locker shirt? A Vitamin World shirt? Ritz Camera? NO! I have an APRON that says “THINGS REMEMBERED” on it, and that makes me cranky, because I hate wearing the thing, and if a bunch of retards are gonna keep walking up to me and asking me questions, as if they can’t see the apron that indicates I work at TR, then I might as not be wearing the thing in the first place. Plus, I really resent people who give me an attitude when I say “I don’t know” “Well, haven’t you been here?” Yes, as a matter of fact, I’ve spent most of my day engraving, so I really haven’t noticed where the nice people at foot locker went.

Episode 2

“Can I get a pack of marb-mentho-ligh-hundres”?
I’m sorry. I don’t believe we carry that particular brand of cigarettes.No! And you wanna know why? Because I have no idea what you just asked me for. Yeah, I was born and raised in Hick-Town too, and my grandfather is from Kentucky, and yet, I still know how to say “Marlboro Menthol Light One-Hundreds” and people actually understand me.

“What comes on an Italian Cold Cut?”
Check this out: Italian…Cold…Cut…Meat. WOW!
For those of you who don’t know, A Cold Cut Sub is nothing more than cold cut meat on a roll. The rest is up to you! That’s why the company spent god knows how much money on those screens that you insist on stabbing with your fingers.

“Why don’t you have [insert menu item] today?”
…because I knew you’d be stopping by.
Because we have a ton of food and can’t put all varieties on, all the time. Because it wouldn’t all sell. It would go bad. we would throw it out; and lose a ton of money, and then they’d close our store. And then you couldn’t have it the few days of the week that you can. Because the next closest store to is 45mins to an hour away. And it’s not on the way to Baltimore; which is probably where you’re headed. No doubt to go order around some undocumented workers.

“What happened to the my favorite coffee?”
God hates that coffee. He told us. He also hates you, because you drink it. He told us that, too.
Because the company said “Let’s cycle some nifty coffees from around the world. Yeah, people like that ‘One world’ crap.”
(Of course, I’m paraphrasing.)

*smack* *smack* *smack*
…stop now…OR….I’ll end you.
All you’re doing is pressing the tobacco tighter in the roll. Upon lighting the first one in the pack, you’ll discover you paid six bucks for 20 Class A Half-a-Cigarettes. Don’t do that to yourself, man.

“Why is my pump broken?”
See: “Why don’t you have [menu item] today?”
It’s not your pump. It belongs to the company. And there are 11 other pumps. Go to one of them. They are all the same. Uniformity is a big thing for us. Hence the uniforms we wear. Crazy Talk, I know.

This one is for you; Advance Auto Parts.

That’s it! I’m walking into Advance and taking everyone down. Nothin’ but a bunch of penises pretending to be mechanics.

“Oh. Well this code here means there’s something wrong with your Cadillac converter…”

Really? What’s a Cadillac converter? Do tell. I think you mean catalytic converter. And how do you know what that code means? Maybe it means there’s something wrong with the sensor. Since, it’s what the sensor reads that sets the check engine light off in the first place. Perhaps, it’s the sensor that is broken. But, go on…

“I can order you a new Cadillac today, wont be here for a few days. We don’t keep those on hand…”

Really? You mean you don’t have a stock pile of spare parts from every year of every model of every car? I’m so disappointed. (Maybe he’s really trying to sell me a Cadillac…)

Go on Mr. Nothing-but-two-belt-loops-keeping-my-pants-together. Tell the people how much it’s gonna cost.

“It’ll run around $300, so…”

Nope. Not a Cadillac, and if it was, it’s not in good condition.

Oh, and did you know that the Vehicle you’re “diagnosing” actually has two Catalytic converters? No. You probably didn’t.

I know. I know. I have a vagina, and that means I don’t know anything about cars. Nooo. My Mind is far too occupied with things like nail color and shoes.

I couldn’t possibly grasp how pistons, gaskets, spark plugs, belts, and a crankshaft function. Nor do I grasp that concept that a CATALYTIC converter is less vital to the functioning of a car, and more vital to Green Peace and the EPA. Important stuff here people.

Of course, there is the possibility your cat is so gunked up with crap (Clogged with Unburned HydroCarbons aka: Unburned fuel.) that it could actually cause problems.

Here’s a thought: On your way to a real mechanic, take the time to rev your engine to the red line a few times. DON’T FUCKING HOLD IT THERE, YOU STUPID BLONDE BIMBO!! Rev and Release. When you arrive at the shop. Tell them to clear the code. Now, go drive. It it comes back on, go back to the shop, and find out what’s wrong. If it stays off, problem solved.

But I don’t know anything about any of this. Nooo. That’s man business. And people wonder why I’m such a man hating bitch.